I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
