Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
