cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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