I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I could make wine with my vomit
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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