My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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