This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
