I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
