Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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