Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
