Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
