matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
