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I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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