Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize