i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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