Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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