I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you're hired as official boob wrangler
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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