Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
