I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
