hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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