I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
