"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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