there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
