I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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