70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
