I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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