everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
