My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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