On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
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I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
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words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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