I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
