i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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