I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
