i just wanna soil my oats bro
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
