Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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