I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
