I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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