my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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