I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
