Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
