Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
