I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
