So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
