Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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