It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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