Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
