by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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