On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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