So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Ketchup is God's man juice
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
