I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
it's like iHOP with fire
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Randomize
