Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
