so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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