Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
