I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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