Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
