What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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